Sigh...

Last night, (Sept. 29, 2005), I decided that I would send an e-mail to Michel to let him know that there was an assignment that was due in the class that he was auditing that was due Tuesday. I also picked up an extra copy of the assignment for him. I didn't want to e-mail him right on Tuesday, because I am not his mother. So, I waited until Thursday night before I e-mailed him. He got back to me today and told me that the course is no longer in within his objectives (i.e. he wanted to get into teaching with CEGEP, and they told him that he would need a Ph.D), so he has decided to pursue work instead in engineering.

So, I e-mailed him back telling him that it's a shame to lose someone as passionate as yourself in education of mathematics, and I asked him if he wanted his first assignment back. I also told him that I believe I have met a really nice individual with whom I'd like to hang out more with sometime (for dinner, for a movie, for a drink, etc.). We'll see where this goes...

So, it looks like it's back to square one, but we shall see...

Hmph...

So, I really looked forward to classes today, especially my night class, because that's the class that Michel audits. I also dawned my solo shirt and my new jacket. However, I got to class, and then when class started, I discovered that there was no Michel! He didn't come to class today! I don't know what's up, and I am not going to call him or e-mail him (at least not today), because he is a mature young man, and I am not his mother/father. Maybe he is sick, or maybe he was too busy/too tired looking for work.

And today, I also took the bus to the metro home. I didn't goof anything today, I was in and out very quickly, but of course, Michel wasn't there to witness my sucess. * rolls eyes *

I was starving, so I went to the pizzaria across the street from my place and had a quick slice of pizza, as a mini dinner before I got home and cooked something. When I finished my dinner, I left my Nalgene bottle. Luckily, I remarked in about five minutes, and went back to see if it was still there. Luckily, it still was, and someone had taken it and put it behind the counter. I'm grateful for honest people, I am quite happy that there are still some that are left in this world, especially in big cities. So many people would have just taken the Nalgene as their own, and then washed it out when they got home.

In his eyes?

So, just to clarify, I am not talking about the song sung by Kylie Minogue, In Your Eyes...

Raoul and I were talking today, and me mostly because I was being civil, but Raoul gave me advice about looking at the person's eyes. (This was towards the end, at the beginning, I had to wade through all the stuff about him approaching people he wanted to date or whatever). He told me that the people who are faking to be shy will not show it in their eyes. The people who are truly shy will have fear in their eyes, because they are afraid of getting hurt.

I suppose that this could be extended to people who may not be shy as well... When they are talking to you, if they are semi-interested, then they may show it in their eyes as well, the fear of getting hurt.

So, the question is: Did my eyes not show that I was afraid of getting hurt? (in the case with Raoul)

Isn't love grand?

A friend of mine from Montreal was taking part in the Walk of Life that happened today, so he asked me if I could donate some money. I said I'd donate $5, but I didn't want to use interac or my credit card, so I said I'd give him cash.

So, my friend and his partner came by, as sort of a house warming and to collect my donation. They are clearly in love. Yes, they kind of make catty comments to each other, but you can tell that they love each other. Oh, how I long to be in a situation like that... (In love with another guy, perhaps not necessarily making the catty comments).

I suppose that the grass is always greener on the other side, right? I mean, after having experienced what I have recently (getting your heart shattered into a million pieces on your birthday), I don't need anybody right now, right? And yet, my romantic side sort of looks at what my friends have and goes, "Awww..."

I do a bit of thinking...

I was doing a bit of reflection today, about something that happened with another guy yesterday.

There's a guy in my program who is very muscular. He trains six time a week and is tall. Though he's a nice guy, he doesn't quite do anything for me... As well, whenever I'm near him, I smell something that I don't quite like... He showers and uses deodorant, but I think it's his pheromones (everyone gives them off, apparently). However, I have been wondering about this guy...

We've had some interesting conversation before. For example, I asked him what sort of car he was into. I was assuming that he's straight (he looks straight, his clothing choices are quite straight), and every straight guy loves to talk about cars, well... Most of them do. So, I asked him what his dream car would be, and he said that he wanted a smart car. Not a Ferrari, Corvette, Rolls Royce, common straight guy cars, but a Smart Car. Then I remarked that he's pretty tall, and how would he fit in one? (He's about 6'3", 6'4") and he said that he'd make himself fit. Then he asked me about my car choice, and I told him that my dream car would be a Volkswagon Beetle (I didn't tell him that I would like it in lilac purple), but he said that was a "chick car". (In my opinion, the smart car is also a chick car)

And on Tuesday, I was just minding my own business, eating lunch at a table, and he came up and joined the table. We started shooting the shit, and then he asked me what I wanted to do my "project" on in one of my mandatory courses. I told him how I wanted to either look at how students understand mathematics now, since calculator usage is introduced at quite an early age or how students understand mathematics with non-traditional teaching methods. After telling him my research plans, he stated that, "Wow, now mine compared to yours sounds boring." So, I asked him what his project was on. He wanted to look at gender differences in mathematics. I don't know how many straight men would want to look at gender differences in mathematics education. I'm sure there are many, and he's probably one of them, but something about this particular 2 + 2 doesn't quite add up to four. I don't know, just putting down my thoughts on this.

I was such a klutz...

Well, today was Tuesday, and you know what that meant... It meant that I got to spend some time with the guy I like, who audits the class on Tuesday...

All in all, it was a good class, and we got to go early, because the prof had to do something. When were all leaving, the guy I liked left the room before I did, and I thought, "OK, I'm not going to bother catching up with him..." but when I got out, he was outside the door... I asked him, "You waiting for someone?" and he replied, "I was just listening to the class." We walked together until we reached outside the campus, and I didn't see a shuttle that would take me directly downtown to the campus close to where I live, so I decided that I would venture today, and take the Sherbrooke (105) bus, and then hop on the metro at Vendôme station. (This is what the guy I like would have done, but he would have gotten off the metro at a different station)

We were at the bust stop, and the bus arrived. At first, I was fishing for my tickets... I knew I had some, because I just bought six on Friday, and I know I put them in my wallet... The guy I like, hereafter named Michel (not his real name) for simplicity sake found a ticket in his wallet, and he gave it to me so I could get on the bus. So, once I got on the bus, I said, "OK, I know I have tickets, because I just bought them Friday.", and sure enough, in the light, I was able to find them. I paid him back his ticket, and we were on our way.

About five minutes into our bus ride, two people got off the bus, so we seized the opportunity to sit down. We talked about different things... I talked to him about investing in a metro pass next month, and the reasons why. Then I told him I would have access to the world's biggest underground (plaza?) and the HMV, and I asked him if he knew where there was an archambault. (Quebec bookstore) This lead to a discussion of music, and I discovered that Michel liked all kinds of music.

We got to Vendôme station, and I was a complete klutz... I was fine up until I lined up to the booth (thinking the transfer had to be given to the booth attendant). However, there were these slots that were in the machines that you could just slide it in, and you'd have access... So, once Michel showed me this slot, I put in my transfer... And of course, I put it in the wrong side up! So, the thing bounces back, and Michel stated, "See this side, where there are the arrows?" (At this point, I must have been beet red, if not, I felt like a six year old), and I put it in correctly and was finally able to pass.

So yeah, I had some fun times tonight, especially with Michel. I also called his house, and there was a "bad line", so I called back and left a message to say, "I'm OK, I got home despite the problems at the metro station, and I'm usually not that much of an idiot. Don't worry about calling back, I hope you have a good week, and I'll see you next Tuesday." I did this as a joke, to sort of diffuse my idiocy, I guess. I don't know.

Oh, and Michel touched me today! :-D I was standing up and letting someone pass through into a desk (we're in a room with a really bizarre desk/classroom setup). So, as I was letting someone into a desk, he came by and said hi, and touched me on the upper arm...

* And I'm probably reading too much into it, but this sort of made my day * rofl

Hmm... A nice guy

So, for the past few days, aside from listening to power music (and I discovered that I actually had a huge collection of such songs), and working on assignments and such, I have discovered that there could be a romance in the bud.

There's a guy in my Tuesday night class, who is searching for a job as a CEGEP teacher, but is auditing the course to see if the Master of Teaching of Mathematics program is for him.

What can I say? Well... He's not jaw-dropping hot, but I'm usually not attracted to guys like that. I'm usually attracted to guys who don't look like they're out of Vogue, Maxim, or Men's Health minus the steroids. I would classify him as handsome. I think he's handsome, and intellectual. He did his degree at Ecole Polytechnique. (i.e. he was an engineer).

Of course, I'm sort of "taken aback", because the odds are against me. Though I didn't see that he has a ring on his ring finger (I.e. supposedly not married). However, mathematically speaking, the odds are against me:

1) 10% of the world is homosexual, so 90% of the world is heterosexual. So, There's a 90% chance that this guy is straight;
2) As the saying goes, "All the best guys are taken, or gay.", well, since there's a 90% chance of him being straight, I'd say that he might be taken as well;
3) Even if he were gay, he might only be attracted to a certain type of men, and most probably, that type of men would be the type that you find in magazines. (high maintenance, anorexic bodies);
4) He could be engaged to someone.

Although, one thing that gives him a plus in my book is that he was interested in grabbing a bite to eat last Tuesday night. However, he didn't really invite me. Perhaps he was hoping that I'd say, "I'm hungry too, do you know of a place somewhere?"... But a minus is that he sort of wanted to jet it out of there as soon as the class was over, I had to say, "Actually, I'm on my way out, so let's walk together."

So, let's see where this one takes me...

Lorie - Toute Seule

My Winamp stumbled across a song I had by the artist named Lorie. The title of the song is Toute Seule.

You can access her website (though it's only in French, I think) at: http://www.lorieonline.net

The name of the song is called Toute Seule (Literally, it translates to all alone, but I think By Myself sounds nicer)

Here are the lyrics:

Tous les garçons que je vois me demandent
// All the boys who see me always ask me
Pourquoi je suis toute seule ? // Why am I by myself (single)?
C'est pourtant claire // It's really clear
Leurs mensonges me dérangent // their lies really bug me
Je sais ce qu'ils me veulent // I know what they want of me.

Et si l'un d'eux s'approche pour se la jouer façon "Dom Juan"
// And if one of them approaches me and plays his Don Juan
J'lui réponds en souriant // I just answer by smiling

Moi j'préfère rester toute seule // I prefer to be single
Sous leurs airs innocents // It's quite innoncent
Ce sont de vrais brigands // Guys are real jerks
Quoiqu'ils me veuillent // Even though they want me
Moi je préfère rester toute seule // Me, I prefer to be single

J'ai pas de temps // I don't have the time
Pour leurs amours fugaces // for their puppy love
Je sais ça les agace // I know that it annoys them

Hey les filles // Hey girls
Ça n'vaut pas la peine // It's not worth the pain
Des dragueurs y'en a par dizaines // flirts (scrubs) are a dime a dozen
On sait où ça nous mène! // We know where they want to take us

Et si l'un d'eux s'égare pour jouer le prince charmant
// and if  one of them approaches me, and claims to be my Prince Charming
J'lui réponds en souriant // I reply while smiling

Moi j'préfère rester toute seule // I prefer to be single
Sous leurs airs innocents // It's quite innoncent
Ce sont de vrais brigands // Guys are real jerks
Quoiqu'ils me veuillent // Even though they want me
Moi je préfère rester toute seule // Me, I prefer to be single

This has me thinking...  Though I do agree with some parts of the song, I don't necessarily agree with all parts of it.

I don't necessarily prefer to be single, as being single and being coupled do have their own respective pros and cons.

And it's only girls who like guys.  There are guys who like guys as well.  But otherwise, it sums it up really nicely.

Power Music

I decided to split my post in two, because they were on two different topics.

Whenever I have my heart broken, I listen to power music, it helps me feel better. What is power music? To me, power music is music where it empowers the listener. In my case, songs that make me feel better, that bash terrible men.

So, right now, I am listening to Gloria Gaynor's - I Will Survive and Willa Ford's - Did Ya' Understand That?.

A friend of mine was chatting to me on Thursday night, and she made me promise her to talk to three new people on Friday, September 16, 2005. In the Montreal area, there's a group called Jeunesse lambda. It's a francophone group, but it's a group where gay/lesbian/bisexual/trans youth/young people get together to have a discussion. I decided that I would go, since it'd be a good way to meet some new people, some gay people, in Montreal.

The group was huge... There were about 36 people there, which was bigger than any gay group I have ever gone to in my life! Afterwards, we went to grab some coffee at a "European cafe".

It's weird, I met many new people, and they all seemed very nice, but again, very cliquey... No one asked me for my phone number, or anything. And then on my way back to the metro station, I was walking with two guys. Once we got into the metro station, me and one guy needed to take the metro one way, and the other guy needed to take the metro the other way. As soon as "the other guy" left, the first guy already said to me, "Tu penses qu'il est cute? (You think he's cute?)"

Now, I'm not saying that people can't look... They can look all they want, but I was just surprised, since I barely even knew both of these guys. I had wanted to offer an exchange of phone numbers just to keep in touch or something, but after hearing that, I decided that I would back off for a bit.

It's kind of ironic. The discussion tonight was, "Are you a casanova?" And the question after the break was, "What sort of lover/person are you?" I didn't answer this question, because I just said that I didn't know. But permit me to look at this question in more detail now.

The choices were: Romeo, casanova, dog, Charlie Brown.

Romeo - like Romeo in Romeo & Juliet, someone who would die for his lover.
Casanova - someone who is sensual and has the power of seduction on his side.
Dog - someone who's loyal, and will stick by you.
Charlie Brown - Someone who's shy, like Charlie Brown, and doesn't really approach people he's interested in.

So, here's what I see myself as: I see myself as a mixture of the first three. I'm like Romeo, but I would be more sensible, and I don't think I would let love blind my logical self. I'm like a Casanova, because I believe that I am sensual, though I may not have the power of seduction on my side (as clearly demonstrated by the incident in the metro station - I felt like chopped liver). I'm a bit of a dog, because I'm loyal. However, I don't like the connotation that I follow people around like a dog, with my tail between my legs.

And I know that I should never lose hope with love, because when Cupid gets it right, it's amazing! (As demonstrated by my last two weeks in Toronto, even though it was only a crush). However, I'm kind of feeling that every time my heart is smashed into a million/billion/kazillion pieces, I always put myself back together, but I become more of the Ice Queen. (Cold, emotionless). Perhaps this is because I too am human, and I am afraid of being hurt.

As well, someone made a really good point at the discussion. This person asked, "How many of you here prefer to be approached?" And of course, almost everyone shot their hand up. Then he posed the question, "Don't you think that it might have worked if you approached? If everyone likes to be approached, and no one actually approaches, then it doesn't get anywhere."

This was an observation that I have made a long time ago. However, I also know that being the approacher, you are more prone to being hurt. People don't like to be hurt, that's why they don't approach. It doesn't hurt to reject.

So, here's to hoping that I will always remain positive, and never become the Ice Queen.

Greetings

Well, I always thought that I won't have time to keep a blog, but I'm going to try... This was due to a friend of mine, who also has a blog.

I've decided that I want to use this as a medium of expressing my frustration in the world of love. Let me give you a bit of history...

I'm a 24 (just turned 24) year old, gay Asian man. I consider myself a hopeless romantic, because what I'd like to do "on dates" have been noted by others as things that a "hopeless romantic" would do.

Recent events in my life prompted me to start up this weblog (blog). I used to think it was a silly idea, and I always feared that I wouldn't have time to update it. But I'm going to try to keep up with it.

Some of you may say that I'm a drama queen, because of what I may or may not write on the blog. I don't consider myself a drama queen, but I am also getting fed up of what's happening to me, because I've been the victim of cupid many, many, many times.

So, let me update on what has been happening in my world of romance... About three weeks ago, I met a really nice guy in Toronto. He and I had great conversation. He was intelligent, and was cute, friendly, and was different than any other guy I have met. I met him at a meeting, and after which, he asked around to see if anyone wanted to go and have a burger with him at Burger King. Now, I'm not a big fan of burgers, but I decided to go with him, so I could spend more time with him. That was when I discovered that we had great conversation. As Wednesday evening wore on, I kept enjoying myself more and more. It was sad when I had to part the guy on Wednesday evening, but we exchanged numbers. He told me that he wanted to go downtown and get some Cyndi Lauper CDs on Thursday, and that he would call me to confirm.

On Thursday, sure enough, he gives me a call, and I went downtown. It turned out that another friend of his was in town, so the three of us was going to spend some time at a Thai restaurant in downtown Toronto. We met at Kennedy station (a common subway station) and we went downtown together. While we were on the subway, fifteen minutes of conversation seemed like two. Finally, we made our way downtown, and met his friend.

* To make things easier from now on, I will refer to the guy I liked as Raoul *

Raoul wanted to get a haircut, so he, his friend and I hung out at a local barbershop. After, the three of us went to get something to eat. Then, Raoul's friend left, so I could spend some time with Raoul. We went to CDs stores as he wanted to buy his Cyndi Lauper CDs. After, we did some shopping at Eaton Centre. Though we didn't buy anything (except me, I bought the Hilary Duff - Most Wanted CD), we did spend some quality time doing some window shopping. Two hours flew by at Eaton Centre. (To me, it felt like 45 minutes).

After the shopping, Raoul wanted to get some ice-cream at Baskin Robbins. So, I went along. We got our ice-cream, and he teased me about getting green tea icecream, we went to a doggie park and watched the dogs play. Then we talked more and went home.

The next two weeks were really special for me, as I had met someone who was interesting, who I thought was interested in me, and I was on Cloud number nine. A week after I met Raoul, I told him (as I was walking down the street), that I wasn't going to miss Toronto, but now that I have met him, I am going to miss Toronto. He told me that he would miss me too, and put his head on my shoulder.

Over the next week, we kept in touch using instant messengers, e-mails and phone.

Fast forward to Wednesday, September 14, 2005. This also happened to be my birthday. I was so ecstatic, because I finally got internet. When Raoul logged online, I decided to say hello. During our conversation, Raoul said, "[...] Now I have to choose between two (guys)". So, I innocently asked if I was one of the two. And I got the response "No."

I would say that this would qualify as dumping, although some friends of mine disagree. Regardless of the perspective, I feel that I was led on. But I can say fairly that I misread the signs.

I suppose that in a bizarre way, it's a good thing, because I'll remember this particular birthday for a long time... First birthday in Montreal, and the birthday where I had my heart shattered.