radoboist's journey in the world (of love, of studies, of whatever...)

A look into how a hopeless romantic copes with what life throws at him... Regardless if it is romance related or not...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Anastacia

I recently rediscovered another CD, and I realized that Anastacia is another artist that sings power music. Her style is different than others... Her voice is a bit nasally, but I think it is caused by an infection while she was younger...

Though her voice is unique, she does also sing some really good power songs... I rediscovered her CD - Freak of Nature, and there's one song on there on particular I really like. It's called: One Day In Your Life.

Here are the lyrics:
I know
that's just the way it goes
and you ain't right
for sure
you turned your back on love
for the last time
it won't take much longer now
time makes me stronger, well
there's nothing more to say

Chorus:

one day in your life
said love would remind you
how could you leave it all behind
one day in your life
it's gonna find you
with the tears you let me cry
and baby I'm stronger than before
you gotta lay it on the line
maybe one day in your life

my love
did you think I'd break down
and cry
this thing we had
it meant the world to me
guess I was blind
it won't take much longer now
see time makes me stronger well
and I know you'll be coming round some day
Chorus
you call me in the midnight hour
with your velvet lines
so many sleepless nights, I wonder
is it time to say goodbye?
oooh yeah

Chorus until the end

I dedicate this song to Raoul.

Friday, October 28, 2005

I Will Survive à la Butterball?

Since Gloria Gaynor has become my diva, due to many heartbreak experiences, I have really taken to I Will Survive.

My friend Sarah sent me this link:
http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652&rr=y&sou

Way to go Gloria!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

My friend's bizarre idea...

Last night, I was in class. I became friends with someone there who's in her second year, and her name is Laura. She's in the program part-time, as she teaches full-time during the day.

Laura was talking about how the guy who sat in front of her was 36, and she didn't believe him. She claims that he should be married at 36. Upon this talk of marriage, I asked if she would be married at that age... And she said that she can't see herself settling down into a marriage, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend. So, she jokingly said that her plan is to move her mother and herself into an old age home together, as she'll be a spinster.

Then, she asked me how long my relationship lasted...

I told her that I have never had a relationship. She sweetly asked, "How is this possible?"

And my classic response, "because men are pigs."

So, she's thinking of introducing me to someone who she knows, but he's 19. And he could be a bit young for me...

Anyway, I was very flattered that she felt that I would have been in relationships... * big grin *

Monday, October 24, 2005

Me, cruise?

A friend of mine told me an interesting story...

Two weeks ago, my friend's acquaintance apparently hung out at the same bar that I was at... So, when my friend was talking to the acquaintance this past weekend, the acquaintance knew who I was (because I was one of the few Asians at the bar), and the acquaintance thought I was cruising him...

This is really interesting, considering the fact that I don't know the first thing about cruising. Though, my friend pointed out that cruising doesn't mean that one is successful, with which I also agree...

My friend and the acquaintance had a good laugh, and I guess I had a good laugh too, when this story was recounted to me. So, I guess I have cruising down, I just need to work on successful cruising.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Thank you for completely ruining my evening last night

Last night, I decided that I would head to the bar to relax, have fun and have a few drinks, because I was really productive during the day. I finished two math assignments (of three that are due), and the Math Education assignment (well, not finished, but I had written up something as a possible answer to a question, and sent it off to a friend to see what she though, because we are handing in the question together).

I got to the bar, ordered a beer, and walked around... Met someone with whom I chatted with last week, so we started chatting, and then I went and walked around a bit more...

At about 12:10 a.m., a guy whom I met the first week I was there, (and did some stuff with) showed up, so I said hi and started chatting. Of course, he was telling me how he missed me and how he likes me, and how he's going to be rich and was offering me a chance to be with him... basically was trying to get in my pants again... So, when I told him that I wasn't too sure what I wanted, etc., he said that I was too young for him anyway, and he also said, "Oh, I'm finished with , I will never come back."

But of course, he was lying, because I saw him later still in the bar, totally running his hands over two other guys. And then when I was chatting with my friend (with whom I chatted with earlier on in the evening), he was totally giving me dirty looks and the like... What a jealous guy! (From now on, the guy who wanted to get in my pants will be referred to as Jealous Guy (JG for short) So, I was continuing chatting, and then I told the guy whom I was chatting with (not JG) that I felt uncomfortable, and I told him that I think I was going to go and/or get a beer. As I was by myself, thinking about whether to leave or to get a beer, JG came out and basically gave me shit, about how the guy I was chatting with was a lot older than he was, and how I must have fooled around (baiser) him. I told JG that no, I was just chatting with him, and he said that I was lying. So, I told him that I was telling the truth, but if you chose to not believe me then that's fine. The evening concluded with him giving me his e-mail, which I took down on a piece of paper and a pen.

This completely ruined my evening... How can someone like that be so jealous? Like one night, and you know who you want to spend your life with for the rest of the night? And I can't even talk to other people? This was completely ridiculous... If I were involved in this relationship, I can see where things go... I'd have to deal with someone who is extremely jealous... That's not what I want, thank you.

And I was thankful for being able to vent with a complete stranger before I left the bar... I just sat down, started chatting, told him about my evening and vented. That was sort of a bit of a salvage of my evening, but it still got ruined.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Argh!!! Jeez!

I wonder if there is a fine line between being civil and having to bite down my tongue because the person I'm talking to is so clueless... (I wonder if what I just wrote makes sense...)

Today, Raoul instant messaged me, and again, me being civil (and welcoming a break, since I was working on a powerpoint presentation) started chatting...

Raoul was once again going on about how certain guys in his life he just tell to leave him the hell alone and not get in touch with him anymore... And he made the mention that he's now down to one guy who is his potential boyfriend...

This was the guy who I met briefly on the subway the first night I met Raoul... I can't believe that I wasn't even in the running with some guy whom he met at a bar... I'm not saying that you can't meet quality at a bar, but the chance is slim... Wow, he sure knows quality...

All I can say is... You had quality in front of your face, and you chose to ignore it. I hope you're happy that you're chasing after Mr. Genuine eyes... Because my eyes were a lot more genuine than his. I hope you never regret your decision.

* How I wish I had my own CD player in Montreal... I want to put three songs on loop right about now... Gloria Gaynor (my diva) - I Will Survive (extended mix), Cake - I Will Survive and Willa Ford - Did Ya' Understand That *

And oh, how I wish I can just block this guy... Thank goodness for Willa...

Did Ya' Understand That - Willa Ford
Sometimes I wish that I could be the person that you are
Just for a minute, only long enough that I can break your heart
Can you even comprehend?
Or did you even understand a single word that I said?

I wonder why you do the things, oh boy, you do to me (why you do)
I can't imagine why you're treating me so horribly
Are you listening to me (are you listening...)
Are you trying to ignore me
Do I stutter when I speak

(Watcha gonna do, baby whatcha gon' say?)
I'm cutting you loose
'Cause I got no time for you
(Who you gonna run to, who you gonna play?)
As a matter of fact, I won't look back

CHORUS
I don't want you
I don't need you
So let me tell you where it's at (well, tell ya where it's at)
I'm through with you
Can't ya understand that?
I don't want you
I don't love you
I hit the road jack
'cause I'm through with you
Did ya understand that?

Sometimes I wish that you could be the person that I am
So you can feel inside exactly what I'm feeling and
Maybe then you'd understand (understand)
How to treat a lady and to be a real man
You can't imagine what I think of when I think of you (think of you)
I see a sucker, not the person that I thought I knew (thought I knew)
Will you ever comprehend (no...)
Baby, you can keep it going, but I can't pretend

(Watcha gonna do, baby whatcha gon' say?)
I'm cutting you loose
'Cause I got no time for you
(Who you gonna run to, who you gonna play?)
As a matter of fact... (yeah c'mon)
I won't look back

CHORUS

I used to be the - I used to be
Only girl that you lived for - that you lived for... (You lived for me)
You didn't need nothing more - you didn't need nothing more... (nothing more)
Jaded eyes so - jaded eyes
Blind confused
When I'm around you (when I'm around you) (yeah)
What is this girl to do? he-ey

(Watcha gonna do baby whatcha gon' say?)
I'm cutting you loose
'Cause I got no time for you
Who you gonna run to, who you gonna play?
(heyyyyyyyy)
As a matter of fact, I won't look back

There used to be this guy who adored me
Now you just ignore me
Did you hear me
Uh
Messing with my head
In and out my bed
I was coming 'round
When you'd know that you could get some
Well, guess what's next
I'm gonna flip my game on you
This is Willa's world
Bitch, in case you didn't notice
What I wanna rule IS YOU!!!!
YOU KNOW
THERE USED TO BE THIS GUY WHO ADORED ME
NOW YOU JUST IGNORE ME
DID YOU HEAR ME
UH
MESSING WITH MY HEAD
IN AND OUT MY BED
I WAS COMING 'ROUND
WHEN YOU'D KNOW THAT YOU COULD GET SOME
WELL, GUESS WHAT'S NEXT
I'M GONNA FLIP MY GAME ON YOU
THIS IS WILLA'S WORLD
BITCH, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE
WHAT I WANNA RULE IS YOU!!!!

(I won't look back)

I don't want you - yes oh baby ( I use to be the)
I don't need you - oh oh (only girl that you lived for)
So let me tell you where it's at
I'm through with you - I'm through with you, I'm through baby
Can't ya understand that?
I don't want you (jaded eyes so blind confused)
I don't love you (when I'm around you)
Hit the road jack
I'm through with you (what is this girl to do?)
(I won't) Did ya understand that?

Monday, October 17, 2005

I suppose what goes around comes around...

Raoul just recently instant messaged me, and told me that men are jerks. (He used a slightly more vulgar term... Think vulgar term describing male genitalia)

So, being polite, I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that he found out that a guy that he liked was a game player.

I suppose what comes around does go around eh? I am not saying he got his just deserves, but it's kind of ironic that this happened...

I don't know if I would consider Raoul to be a game player himself, I personally don't think so, and I personally don't like game players myself, but perhaps in certain respects, Raoul was a game player, he was taking me for a ride for as long as he can before I realized that I was never in the running. (And then he told me this on my birthday)

And my response was, "Well... men in general are pigs, but you gotta love them, so... M'eh". His love conquests or perhaps lack thereof don't really interest me.

Onwards to more work...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Oh my gosh...

Raoul instant messaged me twice tonight (at different times), and on the second time he instant messaged me, he noticed that I've been singing the same song (I Will Survive) for a week now, and wanted to know what's wrong...

I just told Raoul that Gloria Gaynor is my diva, and I recently picked up her greatest hits.

Isn't it funny that he's completely clueless? I suppose it's good that he somewhat cares... Though, I don't know how genuine this care is/was.

Certain conclusions for now...

Yesterday, I came to the conclusion that the guy who has dropped all but one course is probably straight. This is what I figured, but I wasn't too sure. Now, I'm just going to assume that he's straight. He doens't do much, and he's into girls, though he's also kind of eccentric and jokes about butt cracks and all that stuff. He's also not into "hanging out".

I also gave Trumpet guy a call last night, and we ended up hanging out a bit at his house. At first, he wanted to invite me over and watch T-3: Rise of the Machines, but I couldn't go over right away, because I had to eat dinner and drink my Chinese herbal medicine. So, by the time I headed over, we chatted a bit, had some tea, and played some duets. He played his alto (wooden) recorder, and I played my oboe. We sounded okay, but pretty good in first time standards, as I sight-read the pieces for the first time.

Trumpet guy lives with two other housemates, and between the three of them, they have so much liquor that they could take a bath in it. I was so amazed at the amount of liquor that they had, and Trumpet guy remarked, "You see what you want to see." That's some wisdom there, because we do see what we want to see, and sometimes, this is not the truth. Got to keep that in mind.

So, I haven't found a good place for wings yet, but Trumpet guy is still on the lookout for it. I guess.

Monday, October 10, 2005

I'm proud of myself!

So, this weekend was Canadian Thanksgiving, and I went home to spend some quality time with my family. I did enjoy this weekend, since it was good to see my parents and my brother (sometimes not so much) again. I also got to see my friend Beth (aka B-Rex), and we were able to chat. I really enjoyed my time with B-Rex, and we walked around Scarborough Town Centre. I also met B-Rex's partner/boyfriend/person she's seeing (I don't know which term I should be using), and I had fun in all. I wonder if B-Rex got that jacket at Danier?

Anyway, today, I saw Raoul's phone number on a piece of paper, and I thought that perhaps I should give him a call and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, but things got busy and I didn't do it. I'm actually proud of myself for doing that, for not calling him. So yay for me! I haven't called Trumpet Guy yet, I think I may do that tomorrow.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Poem in "The Link"

The Link is the independent newspaper that is published at Concordia University. You can access it online at: http://thelink.concordia.ca

On the October 4, 2005 issue, it's a "queer issue", and pages 12 to 23 have been dedicated to queer issues and queer groups on campus, etc.

I was reading this today, and I came across a very nice poem. I'll attach it below:

Someday - by Colin North

There's this guy, his name is Jack
He's a customer, and sits at the back.
He comes in at six, and leaves at eight,
he heads straight for work, and is never late.
He's quite good-looking, and has perfect hair,
he wears tight-fitted pants, and everyone will stare.
Quite hot indeed, he dominates my mind,
He pays for his latte, and I thank him in kind.
When he looks into my eyes, I can barely think,
I go as flushed as a tomato, and I feel like such a twink!
I hate acting that way,
it makes me look so dumb.
I thought, "why not ask him out?"
Or else there'll be no fun.
I took myself seriously,
and waited till the next day,
I said, "I'll do it this time,"
when he pays or his latte.
So he comes up to the counter,
And starts looking at the food.
I yelled out, "I'll help him!"
For I don't want to be rude.
His eyes peered over the sweets,
Concentrating on the key-lime tarts,
When asked what I would choose,
I suggested the chocolate hearts.
He looked at me like an angel,
Like the one in my dreams.
then he asked about the donuts,
And I suggested Boston creams.
I sounded so phallic!
I went in full-throttle,
Then he picked up some water,
And said, "I'll just take this bottle."
There was a moment of pause,
I didn't know what to do.
Then I said, "how bout a moccachino?
It'd be something new."
"We have date squares and muffins,
pies and apple strudel"
I rambled so much,
My conversation was brutal.
It was then I noticed,
When on the counter he placed his hand,
It sparkled like a diamond,
It was an infamous wedding band.
I felt the pain right away,
As my heart begun to swell,
But then I looked at the situation,
And said to myself, "Oh well."
Guys will come and guys will go,
I will not look back, for I know,
They could be straight, they could be gay,
But I will like them either way.
Jack and I, we still talk.
He comes on in, at six o'clock.
We chat it up, we chat it down.
But it never ends in a frown.
I love my Jack, and that will stay,
I would not have it another way.
He may be straight,
I may be gay.
But If I pray, it may happen,
someday.

What a beautiful poem eh? This poem made my day. It kind of sums up my situation of lusting over straight men. It's no good, but I still lust, so what I can say?

And it's also kind of weird, because the guy who is in my classes, who I don't really find attractive, and is interested in body building, he was asking me "What's so funny?", and so I told him that I was reading a poem, I thought it was funny, so I read it to him.

We were also discussing a math problem, and he found that I had made an error, so I said, "Great, you'll get to see my lead crack". (because a few years ago, my dad bought some cheap dollar store lead for my lead pencils... This lead is so brittle that literally I write a few words, and it breaks. Then I have to get rid of the broken piece and start to write with a new piece. Now, it doesn't matter how hard or how lightly I push, it still does this. This also happens when I lend my lead pencil to other people. They also complain about the lead, so it's not just me) But he somehow heard, "You get to see my crack." and asked, "I get to see your crack?" to which I replied, "No, you'll get to see my lead crack... Why, do you want to see my crack?". His response was "Yeah, I want to see your crack."

Now, I am thinking that he's joking, but again, there is something about this 2 + 2 that doesn't quite equal to four... This guy has dropped all but one course this term, and he claims that he "doesn't feel like school", but perhaps he's dealing with the fact that he's not completely straight?

And we were also talking about men, and I asked him, "So, what type are you, are you a pig, a dog, or an a-hole?", and he replied, "I'm a a-hole... But you didn't hear that from me."

After class, when I got home, there were two messages left on my machine. One was from library guy, telling me that he hasn't forgotten about my question, and that he couldn't turn up with anything, so he has passed my question onto a library "expert", and another from the trumpet player whom I met on Monday of this week. He was just returning my call, and when I called him back, we chatted for a bit (not very long), but he told me about a guy who drives a private bus to Toronto. I took down the number of this guy, and I bid the trumpet player goodnight. He wants me to call him when I get back from Toronto, so that we could "do something".

Interesting day, no?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Library guy

I sat at home all day today, getting work done. And finally, I decided to venture out to the library and attempt to get some research done for a course that I'm doing. As I was venturing up to the third floor, I saw this really good looking guy, but he had a pink shirt on, which kind of annoyed me. But that's not the point, he was good eye candy, but he disappeared in about ten minutes. I started my research, but unfortunately, I didn't get very far, so I went to the reference desk and got some help. The guy there was kind of good looking, no ring on his ring finger, but again, probably very straight. And he was kind of handsome in his mysterious kind of way. We spent about half an hour trying to look things up. He even took down my e-mail to give me a shout when/if he has found more stuff. At the end, I asked him, "Thanks for all your help, what's your name?", and he told me his name. That was kind of nice, and sort of made my day.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Why do I even bother?

So, it's been about a week now since I last e-mailed Michel, and he has not e-mailed me back in regards to if he wanted his assignment back and/or if we could hang out sometime (go for dinner, go for a drink, go to a movie). I don't want to be pessimistic, but I am guessing that the response is a big NO. I mean, I know that he's very busy looking for a job in the engineering field, but if you don't want to be friends, at least tell me via e-mail, don't just leave me dangling. And if you actually do want to be friends, and have been too busy, then this is giving the wrong idea!

So yesterday, I went to orchestra. After the rehearsal, I was waiting for the shuttle to go back downtown, and I started talking to one of the trumpet players. He was a red-head, and I think he is kind of handsome. He told me that his family has lived in Montreal all their lives, but he's not Montrealais, because 18 days before he was born, his family moved to Toronto. In the eyes of the Quebec government, he's Ontarian. (So, he doesn't get discount school fees, etc.) He told me that he lived High Park, and I remarked that he was downtown! He said, "Well, people who don't know Toronto would say that.", and I remarked, "I'm actually from Scarborough, so yes, I know Toronto. You're not right downtown by the financial district or the clubbing district, but you are downtown. You're about 15 minutes to the "financial district". However, I'm thinking he's straight. Though, we did get into some really good conversation, and we were able to exchange phone numbers. However, he doesn't like movies... But he has expressed interest in doing stuff. So, we'll see where this takes me...

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Excuse Me!

So, I was just chatting with Raoul recently, and as I type away at this post, I'm still chatting with him online. I'm again just being civil.

He made a comment about how he's getting sick of waiting for his CD from HMV, and that he wanted to order it online at half.com. So, I asked him why doesn't he order it online? One only needs a credit card.

Then, he sort of jumped down my throat about how I don't remember why he doesn't have a credit card. And that it's not looking good on me "old man".

Here's what I think. When I am romantically interested in someone, I do pay attention, but once it has been clearly established that the feelings are not mutual, I do not remember every single detail, because this person is now in the "friends" category. Many friends tell me many stories, and I am only human. I can't remember all the stories my friends tell me.

So, up yours Raoul! I can't believe you're still so clueless that you broke my heart on my birthday, and you have the nerve to tell me that you're not retelling me the story, and that if you didn't plaster your name on MSN, I wouldn't remember your name.

* turns on Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive (8 minute edition) and will be listening to it many, many times *