A pot-pourri of feelings

After having seen Brokeback Mountain multiple times, I realized last night two very important scenes from the movie a lot more better.

The scene when Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) is ill in an alley way, and the scene where Bassie Cara (Linda Cardellini) is crying, after meeting Ennis in a diner again.

When I walked into the door last night, after having the conversation with Roman, I shut the door, and I collapsed in sadness. I thought I could hold it, but the tears just flowed. So, that was like me physically losing balance due to sadness, and also realizing that I spent emotion on someone who did not recipricate (and perhaps never will be able to recipricate) my emotions.

Today, Roman sent me an e-mail to tell me that he was my friend. We chatted on MSN later, and he started the conversation with, "Do you want to talk to me?" How tempted was I to say no, but I decided that some civil conversation would open up the air. I did realize that I did not speak as much as I normally did, and I apologized for not feeling very chatty. But he was understanding and he told me that he was surprised that I talked to him. So, I think I'm going to call it an early night, get some sleep and listen to some Willa Ford.

Have I lost faith in gay men around my age? No, but do I know where to find one who will recipricate my love? No, not that either. I don't believe that internet is the place for it, nor night clubs, and certainly not in the village or at speed dating. So, it's just me doubting if I ever will meet the special someone who is not afraid to be in a relationship with me.

Off to Willa Ford time.